Whew!

Mmkay. So this may be one of my last posts. Wanna know why? Well, I'll tell you. I don't have osteoporosis. I know, right? Crazy, huh? Yep.

#1's DXA machine is just pure shit apparently. I don't want to say his technicians are idiots too, soooo. The machine sucks.

Wednesday I went to see the 'spert at UAMS. Remember how I said he'd only accept his own scans? It's for this very reason.

So while I was having the scan done, I asked Felicia, the technician, how often they actually have people come in with incorrect scans. She said, "It so very rarely happens... but it looks like you may be an exception."

While she showed me the fan-freaking-tabulous results, I started crying, prompting a huge hug from Felicia. She was so shocked at the results, she marched me out to her supervisor, who looked at my previous scans and the current one. She gave me and hug and I cried all over her too. Then she took me up to see the doc and I cried all over him too. It was a tearful morning to say the least. The 'spert then paraded me around the floor saying, "Wanna see what a healthy girl looks like?"

I really was impressed with the 'spert, despite my initial thoughts about him and the placement of his head (in his own ass). He took his time when talking to me, everyone in the department knew about my case, he asked well researched questions, was prepared (and even said he'd been reviewing my file for two weeks trying to figure out what I could possible have), and had an awesome bedside manor. While it took a crazy long time to actually get an appointment with him, that diagnosis (or the lack of one) was absolutely worth the wait.

He said I do have a touch of osteopenia in my lower spine and probably some in my fingers and toes as well. My hips, cervical spine, and wrists look just fine.

As much as I want to go blow up #1's machine, I won't. However, the 'spert is writing a VERY strongly worded letter to #1 letting him know he, his technicians, and his machine were completely inaccurate...twice, and a letter to #2 praising him for sending me over to UAMS for a "real" (non)diagnosis.

So. My bones aren't 87. They're 30. Just like the rest of me.

T minus 14 hours.

Ya'll wish me luck tomorrow! In my mind, I've made this appointment with the 'spert out to be a do or die, now or never, shit or get off the pot situation.

I'm just a smidge overdramatic. Sometimes. I'll let you know what he says. If anything.

Squee!

It's feeling real. I got my "patient itinerary" from UAMS. I have confirmed times. For a bone density test (that insurance is paying for... I have it in writing) and an appertmint with the 'spert.

Should I really be this excited? Hell fucking yes. I've gotten my hopes up before about getting a diagnosis and nothing came of it. NOW, if this shithead doesn't figure something out, I'll go nuts. Promise. I will. I can see it now... Local woman found wandering streets of downtown Little Rock... naked... begging... for calcium.

There'll be pics, I'm sure. I'll post them. When/if I get out of jail.

I wonder if it smells?

Guess what? The 'spert finally decided to pull his own head out of his own ass. Guess who FINALLY has an appointment? THIS GIRL! We'll finally see if #1's DXA is correct or not. Should we make bets?

Here's how this will work: I'll roll up to UAMS and have a bone density first. IF the bone density shows bone loss, I'll get to see the 'spert immediately afterward. If the DXA says I'm normal for my age, I won't see the 'spert, so instead I'll drive to #1's office for a good old fashioned ass chewing. That expression seems disgusting typed out, doesn't it?

Until then...

Well hello, stranger.

Mmkay. So. New insurance? Check. Call to follow up with #2's office so they can schedule my appointment with the 'spert? Check. Hear back from #2's office with appointment time? Nope.

Kathy deserves a vacation too and that's exactly where she is. For the whole week. Soooo. No scheduled appointment with the 'spert yet.

I have to admit, I'm really anxious to get this ball rolling now. I've put this off for long enough. I need to get serious about it. And get serious about getting healthy. One of my bestest friends is pregnant (again) and that has my uterus is screaming (again). I need to get these bones in decent shape. Soon.

de who?

So still no new news on the doctor situation. I'm changing insurances in the next couple of months so as soon as my new coverage kicks in, I'll be at the 'sperts office. Yay!

On another note, I do have another injury to add to my ever-growing list. Last week, I moved to a new apartment. Friday, however, my help flaked out and left me to do everything alone. Have I told you how hard-headed and stubborn I am? Did I wait 'til later when someone else could help? Nope. I trudged on alone. And what did I end up with?

Yep. A cracked radius and de Quervain's tenosynovitis. Oh yeah. Look that one up, baby. It's interesting reading indeed. Basically, it's severe acute tendonitis. My new (and not so fabulous ortho) decided the cracked radius isn't too much to worry about, even though my forearm is completely deformed. In fact, he's not even real sure the crack on the xray is a current crack or an old crack (even though I wasn't deformed before...). So why worry about something that could potentially worsen? Right?

So anyway. I'm splinted up for the next 6 weeks (minimum). If my cracked radius/tendonitis aren't better then, I'll have surgery to correct. That'll be way fun apparently. Dr. Ortho said surgery isn't bad, but the recovery is hell. Awesome. Because last summer's bunionectomy recovery wasn't enough fun AT ALL. That was only 8 weeks in a boot. IN THE SUMMER. Bleh.

So here I am. Typing very freaking carefully, since technically I'm not supposed to use my thumb for any reason whatsoever and I'm a dedicated "home keys" user from way back.

'Til next time...

Graphic Content Ahead.

So this blog is mostly dedicated to mah bones, but I have a shitload of other health problems we can talk about while the 'spert is extricating his head from his ass.

Gastroparesis is a fun part of my life. Do ya'll know what that is? The vagus nerve tells the stomach when to empty into the intestines. In patients with gastroparesis, the vagus nerve is damaged and doesn't tell the stomach to move the food through to the intestines. Period. Typically, it's seen in diabetic patients, anorexics (which my ass is clearly NOT), or people with direct trauma to that area. They still haven't figured out why I have it. I had a doctor one time who took great pride in pointing out my case was idiopathic. I'm pretty sure he just liked saying the word.

Basically, I throw up. A lot. And violently. But before I throw up, my stomach expands and I look 6 months pregnant. I have severly painful burps that can wake the dead and generally last longer 15 seconds each. This can go on for hours. When I eat things that make me sick, the food will sit in my stomach for 4-6 hours and then I'll throw it back up. Whole. Completely undigested. I saw an entire pickle a couple of weeks ago. Fun, huh?

So foods I see again: any raw fruit (specifically the skins, which are the best part especially when covered with salt), vegetables (spinach, lettuce, pickles, corn, and cucumbers are the worst), red meat (no matter how it's cooked), and any sort of whole grain or seedy things (this ranges from sesame seeds on buns to the seeds of strawberries). And olives. I'm a Grey Goose martini, extra dirty, extra olives kind of girl. Not being able to enjoy the olives KILLS ME.

So it's safe to assume I'm a chicken/pasta/potato person. If those things are on the menu, that's what I'm eating. However, I've learned to manipulate it. If I know I'm eating a hamburger in the evening, I'll eat something for lunch that I know will digest easily. That way, by the time I eat the hamburger, my stomach will be completely empty. I won't be adding an undigestable item on top of an undigestable item. Days when I eat "bad things" at more that one meal make for sleepless, painful, nasty evenings.

Alcohol makes this condition tons worse. Alcohol paralyzes nerves anyway, so one that is semi-nonfunctioning becomes even more lethargic and ridiculous. I'm not an alcoholic by any means, but I enjoy a good drink (or three) on the weekends, which is also when I tend to eat things that are bad for me.

#2 thinks my gastroparesis plays a large role in my osteoporosis, but he isn't blaming it entirely on my diet (or lack thereof). I guess we'll see. Someday.