T minus 14 hours.

Ya'll wish me luck tomorrow! In my mind, I've made this appointment with the 'spert out to be a do or die, now or never, shit or get off the pot situation.

I'm just a smidge overdramatic. Sometimes. I'll let you know what he says. If anything.

Squee!

It's feeling real. I got my "patient itinerary" from UAMS. I have confirmed times. For a bone density test (that insurance is paying for... I have it in writing) and an appertmint with the 'spert.

Should I really be this excited? Hell fucking yes. I've gotten my hopes up before about getting a diagnosis and nothing came of it. NOW, if this shithead doesn't figure something out, I'll go nuts. Promise. I will. I can see it now... Local woman found wandering streets of downtown Little Rock... naked... begging... for calcium.

There'll be pics, I'm sure. I'll post them. When/if I get out of jail.

I wonder if it smells?

Guess what? The 'spert finally decided to pull his own head out of his own ass. Guess who FINALLY has an appointment? THIS GIRL! We'll finally see if #1's DXA is correct or not. Should we make bets?

Here's how this will work: I'll roll up to UAMS and have a bone density first. IF the bone density shows bone loss, I'll get to see the 'spert immediately afterward. If the DXA says I'm normal for my age, I won't see the 'spert, so instead I'll drive to #1's office for a good old fashioned ass chewing. That expression seems disgusting typed out, doesn't it?

Until then...

Props to #2.

So I'm ridiculously impressed with #2. If anyone in Little Rock needs an internist, may I recommend Dr. Jack Fendley at NLR Diagnostic. He and his nurse, Kathy, are freaking awesome.

Kathy called me today to let me know that she sent the 'spert ALL my records, past scans, and a letter explaining that 'spert had to fill out the insurance pre-authorization forms before they'd cover my next (unnecessary) scan. The frightening thing, Kathy told me not to expect much. Her words about the 'spert, "He's a piece of work, so I wouldn't hold your breath on these pre-auth forms." Dr. Fendley personally called the 'spert to try to explain to him how seldom someone like me comes along. I mean, according to Dr. Fendley, I'm like, medical journal quality. Who the hell would pass that shit up?

So basically, my medical history is the carrot. Isn't that kinda screwed up? They have to dangle something so freakish in front of a 'spert so he'll agree to cooperate.

Gah.

Square 1.

So #2 had no new results. All the blood tests came back normal. He now wants me to go see the 'spert. However, the 'spert will not see me unless I have a diagnosis of osteoporosis, which I do from my first doctor. But the 'spert won't accept bone density scans from outside offices. This means he has to do another on in his office, it has to be positive, and then he'll see me. Guess how many bone density scans insurance will pay for in a year? One. And my one was less than a month ago.

Shoot me now. So. I basically have to pay out of pocket for ANOTHER scan if I want to see the 'spert.

Part of me just says, "Eh. Screw it."
The other part of me says, "You will want kids some day. Figure this shit out now."

I'll let you know which part wins...

No news is good news, right?

Monday a week ago, #2 told me the results of my blood tests could take up to 7 business days to come back from the lab. I haven't heard from him yet. Based on that and the fact I have an appointment with him next Thursday to discuss the results, I'm assuming either a.) he doesn't have the results back yet b.) the results show something horrifying and he doesn't want to tell me over the phone or c.) the tests showed nothing and I'll be seeing the 'spert next.

All three options are equally obnoxious and annoying to think about. I can't imagine people who actually have horrible things wrong with them and have to wait on results to tell them if they're dying or not. I cannot imagine.

Definition: 'spert.

What is a 'spert? Well, this is a 'spert.

Bones be damned!

Damn it all. I've aged three years since July. Well, not all of me. Just my bones. They are now hovering around 87. Fun, huh?

I did see a new doctor today, one who took 9 vials of blood... I look like a drug addict right now. Both arms have track marks. But I'll forgive him. You see, Doctor #2 (to be referred to as #2 from here on out) actually offered reasons for the osteoporosis instead of just drugs to treat it.

So right now, I'm being tested for hyperparathyroidism, celiac disease, and various vitamin deficiencies. Even if this doctor doesn't diagnose me, he's already got the next person in mind. Apparently there's a hidden, reclusive doctor here in Little Rock who specializes in osteoporosis research. #2 said this other guy (we'll call him the 'spert...I'll explain later) would love to get his hands on me if all these tests today come back negative. So 'spert is lined up if #2 can't figure me out.

What started off as an extremely shitty day, has actually turned around.